Questioning It All

I have never been thin.  Ever.  I can’t tell you what it feels like or what it looks like.  I only know this.  I Questioningonly know fat.  This is home.

I want to run away from home.

I think a lot about what it would be like to be in a body that doesn’t look like mine.  One where I am comfortable in my own skin…comfortable when I move…just comfortable.  One where trying on clothes isn’t a national disaster or flying on an airplane an international incident.  What would that be like?

I have no interest in being underweight and I no longer have an interest in being overweight.  So what’s the in between?  Middle weight?  Happy weight?  Acceptable weight?  Acceptable for whom…for me or for you?

Women stare, secretly happy they aren’t me.  Men look away, secretly happy they aren’t with me.  I see it all.

I think about how I will look and if I will like what I see.  Will I become the woman I think I should be?  Will I suddenly love to shop for clothes and want to wear fancy jewelry?  Will I want to dress more provocatively and show off what I worked so hard for and spent so long covering up?

Will my relationships change?  Will my attitude change?  Will I change?

What kind of woman will be become?

The status quo is a safe haven for the scared.  I am petrified.

But it’s time to shake things up.  I need my questions answered.