Anger, Thy Name Is Victoria

The last two weeks have been, what I can only describe as, a complete disaster.

I injured my back, and just when I was starting to feel better, I took a turn for the worse and injured it further.  I spent the better part of four hours in the hospital, in the middle of the night, hoping like hell a doctor could make the intense pain go away.  I was prescribed medication, which made my feet swell up, made me tired all the time, and included a host of other symptoms I’m not going to share (trust me, you don’t want to know).  I’ve been in pain basically 24/7, parked on the couch, or a chair, or whatever piece of furniture was comfortable at the time (it changed daily), all while switching between ice and heat on my back (because what felt good changed daily as well).  I have been miserable, and moody, and whiney, and frankly I’m surprised my brother hasn’t moved out and left me here on my own.

You know what the worst part of all of this crap is?  I have no one to blame but myself.

I’m so angry at myself.  I’ve spent the last two weeks feeling sorry for myself:

  • My back hurts so I’m going to rest and watch TV for hours.
  • My back hurts so I’m going eat whatever I want to comfort myself.
  • My back hurts so I’m going to continue to eat whatever I want…

I know I was injured, and I know I needed to rest (which I did), and I know I needed some TLC (which I got), but I missed a golden opportunity here friends.  My weight factors into what happened to my back, and instead of trying to do something about it, I ate. And ate, and ate.  I haven’t weighed myself, but I’m sure I’ve gained like 10 lb in the last two weeks.  As a matter of fact, wait right here and I’ll go weigh myself.

Yep, ten pounds, boy did I call that.  I am now officially at the highest weight I have ever been.  😦

The question that now remains is: what am I going to so about it?  I’m going to take that anger—the sadness, the desperateness I’m feeling—and channel it into my health.  It’s on now, no holds barred.  I said that I was going to start asking for help, and I absolutely will.  I have friends who know fitness, I have friends who know food, I have friends who live healthy lifestyles who can teach me and inspire me to become the best me I can be.  Right now I don’t feel like best version of me, and I want that to change.

So today, is the day.

Today is the day I put all my excuses behind me and I go for it.  I’ll have limitations at first—my back is still healing, I’m still dealing with medication side effects—but I will do what I can until I can do more.  Then I’ll do more after that until I get where I want to be.

There is no turning back, so watch out.  Things are about to change.

The Do-over

So the lovely Glitter, over at Glitter and Lazers Weight Loss Blog (a fantastic blog), recently wrote about how she had gottenThe Do Over off track with her health plan over the last couple of weeks.  She had fallen off the wagon and was having a hard time getting back on.  She is very brave to admit she’s fallen down, and in an effort to get back on track, Glitter decided to have a weight loss restart.  A do-over.

As someone who has struggled over the last few weeks as well, this resonated deeply with me.  I’ve been feeling pretty blah over the last few weeks—actually blah would be understatement.  I’ve been downright miserable.  There was moodiness, there were tears…there were several cupcakes eaten (among other things).

I signed up for a peer support group to get some help with binge eating.  Binging is something I struggle with and am trying hard to work out.  The group was, in my opinion, a disaster so I decided not to go back.  This just added fuel to the fire of how I was already feeling…instead of a slow downhill walk, I was running, sprinting downhill.  But with some good talks with some good friends, and the resolve to keep going, I’m now feeling more like myself.  That’s right, I’m back to my jovial, smart-ass self.  So, now I’m also proclaiming a do-over.

I’m sure there are some people out there saying, “There are no do-overs!  You can’t do that!”

Well guess what?  I just did.

And if I get knocked down again, I’m going to get back up and have another do-over.  As many times as it takes until I get it right.

So I set a few goals for June:

  1. Stick to my meal plan.
    I have planned my meals and grocery shopped for the week, and prepared as many things ahead of time that I can.  I’ll continue to do this for the next four weeks.  I get one cheat meal per week (scheduled this week for Friday night dinner) when I can eat whatever I want (hello macaroni and cheese).  But no binging.
  2. Just say no to sugary drinks.
    I managed to get off the hard stuff (soda pop), but it’s the other little drinks here and there—ice tea, lemonade, vodka and cranberry juice—that add up to a lot of extra calories and unnecessary sugar consumption.  So I’m calling it quits.  Water, milk, and tea (sans sugar) will be my beverages of choice.
  3. Get my ass to the gym at least 2x a week.
    I think this says it all.

So, there we go!  I’ve got a plan…I’ve got some momentum…I only have five more days until I can have mac and cheese 😛

Aaaaaand We’re Back…

So, you may have noticed I’ve been absent for the past two weeks.  Or maybe I just have an ego the size of Montana thinking anyone noticed I wasn’t blogging. 😉

You know what happens when I get quiet…it means I’m up to no good.  Which I definitely was.

It started three days after the Saturday that I went for the 2.3 km hike.  When we last saw Victoria, she was noticeably sore, but working through it, and her ankle was feeling better.  Well, my ankle healed nicely thanks, however it was my right hamstring that posed the biggest challenge for me.  On the third day after the hike I woke up, put my feet on the floor, stood up, and screamed at the pain shooting down the back of my right leg.  I limped my way to the washroom, convincing myself I’d never walk again, envisioning myself with crutches or a  cane…how would I get around?  what would I do? how would I live??!!

Ok, I’m a bit of a drama queen sometimes, so shoot me.

Surrounding all of this is the fact that I also haven’t been eating very well.  Actually, eating with reckless abandon sounds more like it.  So to say I’ve been off-track is somewhat of an understatement.  I basically fell into vat of macaroni and cheese and tried to eat my way out.

This really didn’t serve me well the day I decided to go clothes shopping for a wedding I’m going to this weekend.  I can only equate the experience to the Looney Tunes Tasmanian Devil spinning frantically around the dressing room while trying on clothes—that is if the Tasmanian Devil had also just gained a couple of pounds and started to cry after he couldn’t find anything that fit or looked right.  Yeah that’s right, I cried when I couldn’t find anything to wear.  I’m a girl, sometimes we do that (see drama queen reference above).  The really awful part about all of this is that after I finished my horrible clothes shopping expedition, all I wanted to do was eat.  So…I did.  I was emotionally charged and I took my frustrations out on myself by eating.  A bag of chips, a bottle of ice tea, two cupcakes, I think there was some ice cream in there somewhere, though I may have blacked out after the cupcakes.

When I first started writing the blog, I promised myself I wasn’t going to censor anything.  The point is to show the highs and the lows of trying to lose weight.  The highest highs and even the lowest lows.  I think it’s safe to say that the past two weeks have been a low point.  I was feeling pretty miserable, and sorry for myself, but after talking with a few friends, and now getting my feelings out on the blog, I’m definitely feeling better.

I even found something to wear to the wedding. 🙂

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