How Am I Ever Going To Do This?

I have to be honest, friends.  I am not doing well.

After three weeks of no weigh-ins and eating pretty much whatever, I hit the scale this morning and learned the nasty reality of what I had done to myself.  I gained three pounds.

What the hell am I doing??

I promised myself before I got on the scale that I wasn’t going to beat myself up if I gained.  I just need to face the music and then do some damage control.  I got off the scale and was fine—for about 30 seconds.  After that it was a full on, pick on Victoria fest:

“Why can’t I do this?  When am I going to get my shit together?  Why is losing weight so freaking hard?  I might as well just stay fat because I am NEVER going to be able to do this.  I fail EVERY time.”

Those are just a few of the thoughts I had running through my brain this morning on the way to work.  Not pretty.  Not one bit.

Now, I’m no rocket scientist, but I’m a pretty smart girl.  I don’t think I would have gotten this far in life by being a moron, but honestly, what do I have to do to make my brain understand that losing weight is important for me and my health?  I always go in with the best intentions—“this time it’s going to be different, I’m really going to do it”—and then 15 minutes later I’ve got my head stuck in a bag of potato chips.  Seriously?!

On Wednesday I told my friend Kevin that sometimes it just feels like I’m destined to be overweight forever, and maybe I should just stop fighting it and just learn to live with it.  A total cop out, yes, but that’s honestly what I’ve been thinking.

Kevin told me that if I had truly wanted to give up I already would have.  In truth, he’s right (I hate it when he’s right-which he is most of the time).  Every time I pick myself up and start again it’s a declaration that I’m not ready to give up.

Fall down seven times, stand up eight.

And I’m up.


10 thoughts on “How Am I Ever Going To Do This?

  1. Don’t quit! 2 steps forward and 1 step back is FRUSTRATING——but even with a few misses you are still ahead. Losing weight is so damn hard and complicated but we can do it. I know we can. Get back up-you’ve got it in you.

    • Victoria says:

      Thank you Libby! You are right, and I can’t think of anything in my life that’s been harder for me than trying to lose weight. We CAN do it!!

  2. m. says:

    Every stupid day is a challenge. If I’m not rigid and strict with myself every day. I’ve finally (not really, but kinda) accepted that food can never again be something that I love. When I do allow myself to love it (and I love it deeply and completely), I gain weight. You can do it, I know you can. Keep it up sista!

  3. Victoria I am so glad I found your blog this afternoon. I feel like you took the words right out of my mouth with this post. I am so down on myself right now and negative. I am a year into my journey for better health and so far I have not had chocolate since July 22/12 and have lost 35 pounds. I had been regular at a gym until the summer months. Since school started again this month I still have not gotten back into my workout routine and good choices when it comes to foods.

    Why does it have to be so blinking hard to be healthy!? I think that just as I was raised by an abusive parent and therefore can’t ever go on “autopilot” for disciplining my own children; I will also never be able to live my healthy lifestyle on autopilot. The trick is to somehow keep the motivation going when your brain is SCREAMING to give up and that we are not worth it.

    I also had the thought that maybe I am destined to be overweight for life…..but that is the negative pessimist in me trying to gain permanent control again. Victoria, we can’t let that person inside of us win this battle. We need to teach that part of us that they don’t have to be scared of being successful in weight loss and being healthy. I am soooo looking forward to continuing this journey together through our blogs. I have not yet blogged about my journey but will do so this evening once my little ones are in bed.

    Thanks again!

    • Victoria says:

      I am so thrilled that my post resonated with you! Congratulations to you on your 35 lb weight loss…that’s an amazing achievement! And giving up chocolate??! You are a stronger woman than I am!! 😉 You are correct – we can’t let the negative part win. We will forge ahead! I am always here for support and am looking forward to reading more about your journey to healthy 🙂

  4. jennifer dunn says:

    it is such a hard thing to do, but you have the right attitude…you’re not just going to give up. making a lifestyle change is really difficult and as long as it’s in your mind as something you want to do, you will get there. it will take time but that is okay. it’s not an easy journey but you DO have the strength to do it, i know you do!!! baby steps kiddo, baby steps. xo

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